Exhaustion

my mamaw, right, in 1944

I had a moment last week (at least I think it was last week) when I wanted to be one of those super positive bloggers. And it wouldn't just be all wah, wah, wah. I'd share recipes and pictures. And be all charming and perfect.

But no matter how hard I try I can't shake certain things. And I can't even form the right sentences to talk about them. Just know they mostly concern my mamaw. And that I need to say something.

I get even more down in the dumps because all this stuff seems inconsequential. It's my grandma and guess what loser, GRANDMAS DIE. That's what they do. But it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I'm a horrible human being because we can't have her live here like we did with my other grandma. (For a million really solid reasons that, no, I can't go into.) The decline since September has been horrendous. First she was in a psych unit, then a nursing home, then the hospital, now another home. There are pressures on me right now that don't apply to her other grandchildren or even my dad. My emotions have been all over the place. I've cried buckets, and buckets of tears.

All while being exhausted. This semester is the worst of my life. I'm zapped. I drive 3 days a week for school and spend hours just waiting on classes to start or end. I never have enough time for homework. I'm tempted each weekend to spend 2 days doing nothing but sleeping. But I spend one more day driving nearly 100 miles round trip to visit my grandmother. Visits which leave me sad until at least Wednesday.

To top it all off my bank account is... it's just depressing this month. I need a job. But I can't imagine adding a job into this mix. I'm afraid I'd just keel over from the pressure.

I've been looking forward to Thanksgiving since before Halloween. To me it represents the first real break I've had since August. I need those 6 days of baking and wrangling dead turkeys to rejuvenate. I hope my family can figure out some way of being civil and making this work. Even if Mamaw is just a shell of her old self for it. I need this holiday.

18 more days.