Family. Everybody's got one...

*just venting to myself*

I have to write about this stuff here because I worry I'm annoying everyone else on the internet if I talk too much about it elsewhere. On a good day three people read this, so deal with it.

My dad was supposed to go see his mother today. He's totally BAILED on me. Claims he's having chest discomfort. Which I don't doubt, but I'm thinking put on your big girl panties, face it, and that panicked feeling might go away.

His father didn't go see his own mother when she was dying. Granted, she was in New York. But he could have made the trip. He couldn't face it though. It was easier to pretend his extended family didn't exist. I worry my dad's doing the same thing. And it bothers me. A lot.

He hasn't seen her since August.

Meanwhile my Aunt who is her healthcare surrogate is living in a land called Denial in regards to stopping the fluids. My 83 year old dying grandmother had a picc line put in yesterday for the fluids she'll be receiving to try and prolong her life. Pardon my language, but what the actual fuck?

And now we say goodbye

Tomorrow I take my dad and my aunt to see their mom for what might be the last time.

While I have been preparing myself for this for a long time I'm not sure the same can be said for my dad and aunt. This is going to be hard. This event is going to rock this family.



I feel like I understand that dying is a part of life and I'm well prepared for the realities of losing my last grandmother. But it doesn't stop it from being sad and somewhat devastating.

To say I'll miss her doesn't really even scratch the surface of how much this will hurt.

P.S. to top it off my cat is having seizures so I have to carve out time to drop her off at the vet tomorrow as well. c'est la vie.

Wish List

My Christmas list since my mother keeps bugging me for it and this is a good way to link her to some things I'm digging these days.

A Kindle


Sweet Owls Kindle Cover from Puppy Dogs and Polka Dots


And a matching iPhone case

Or this Kindle case from CasePhile


And this iPhone case from Nimoo


Camera Phone lenses from Photojojo


A ring from Georgie Designs


A Jo Totes Camera Bag

True Life

Two things arrived in the mail this morning:

• my first student loan notice
• my car insurance bill

Dude. Not. Cool.

The mail gods clearly find this hilarious.

Odio Italiana

I spent last night with bags of funsize candy and Italian worksheets prepping for a midterm this morning. Can I say right now, with authority, that it was THE WORST MIDTERM OF MY LIFE? It was. No convincing me otherwise.

Sometimes I feel like I really should pursue grad school. And then I laugh.

Exhaustion

my mamaw, right, in 1944

I had a moment last week (at least I think it was last week) when I wanted to be one of those super positive bloggers. And it wouldn't just be all wah, wah, wah. I'd share recipes and pictures. And be all charming and perfect.

But no matter how hard I try I can't shake certain things. And I can't even form the right sentences to talk about them. Just know they mostly concern my mamaw. And that I need to say something.

I get even more down in the dumps because all this stuff seems inconsequential. It's my grandma and guess what loser, GRANDMAS DIE. That's what they do. But it's so much more than that. It's feeling like I'm a horrible human being because we can't have her live here like we did with my other grandma. (For a million really solid reasons that, no, I can't go into.) The decline since September has been horrendous. First she was in a psych unit, then a nursing home, then the hospital, now another home. There are pressures on me right now that don't apply to her other grandchildren or even my dad. My emotions have been all over the place. I've cried buckets, and buckets of tears.

All while being exhausted. This semester is the worst of my life. I'm zapped. I drive 3 days a week for school and spend hours just waiting on classes to start or end. I never have enough time for homework. I'm tempted each weekend to spend 2 days doing nothing but sleeping. But I spend one more day driving nearly 100 miles round trip to visit my grandmother. Visits which leave me sad until at least Wednesday.

To top it all off my bank account is... it's just depressing this month. I need a job. But I can't imagine adding a job into this mix. I'm afraid I'd just keel over from the pressure.

I've been looking forward to Thanksgiving since before Halloween. To me it represents the first real break I've had since August. I need those 6 days of baking and wrangling dead turkeys to rejuvenate. I hope my family can figure out some way of being civil and making this work. Even if Mamaw is just a shell of her old self for it. I need this holiday.

18 more days.

I just want to remember that he said this,

"I could never find a single fault in your grandma. If she had any I didn't know about them." -my dad