The Bookshelf

Last year I bought a new bookcase. I brought it home, stuck a few books on it and then it started collecting paper and knickknacks.

The paper was swallowing me whole this weekend so I spent hours throwing a bunch away and then pulling books out of boxes in the closet to stick on the shelves.

There is no order yet. But I love that they're there so I can see them. I don't know why but they make me smile.

Nesting

Yesterday I rearranged my living space. I organized my bookshelf while admiring my vast collection of overpriced textbooks and class readings. I moved my bed. I threw a lot of junk away. My mother joked that I was doing the working girl's version of nesting. I really hope something is offered to me this week after my interviews. Fingers crossed.

Last night, with my new clean space, I picked out a new book to read (Sarah Dessen's The Truth About Forever) and snuggled up with Jill.


My new favorite thing is to use the Amazon app at Target or the bookstore to scan books that look good to add to my wishlist. Then I come home, read through the reviews and pick something out to read. So helpful and easy.

I ♥ modern technology.

Book #4

I finished Mockingjay last night. I meant to read a couple chapters before bed but it's such a fast read that I found myself plowing through afraid to lose momentum if I stopped.

I liked it. The last 25% felt rushed. The war aspect certainly wasn't as developed or handled as well as the last Harry Potter. But it always seems unfair to compare other novels to the HP series, so I'll refrain. It's a satisfying trilogy and I'm happy I finally took the time to savor the other two. Out of them all Catching Fire was definitely my favorite.

Now I need to decide what to read next. And quickly. Reading or watching something totally engrossing on tv seem to be the only things keeping me from having a full on panic attack over my interviews on Thursday and Friday. I'm a giant ball of anxiety.

Real Talk

I've never been an eater of crackers. My grandfather, he was a cracker connoisseur. According to him saltines should only ever be Zesta and oyster crackers were one of God's gifts.

But I would always rather have a potato chip. Doritos. Funyuns. Salt and Vinegar kettle chips, bbq Fritos. Yum. Yum. Yum.

I bought a bunch of Goldfish last week as a 10 item filler for a Kroger deal because my brother loves cheese crackers. One of the bags were these pretzel mix up things. They're lightly dusted with fake cheese and 43 of them are 140 calories. They aren't organic. They're full of things I can't really pronounce.

And yet, I'm obsessed with them.

And full of shame about it too.

My Day

Every two months I take my dad to his rehab doctor so they can drain his morphine pump and refill it. He used to take himself. But over the last few years he's cut back a lot on his driving. So I take him there. Downtown. Which used to frighten me. They draw up a long needle and stick it in his abdomen. Another thing that used to frighten me. It's become so clockwork. My dad talks and talks because he's nervous every single visit. The introverted part of me finds the whole experience exhausting. And I dread it every time.

But I also know, deep down, that someday I'll miss this.

Book #3: Catching Fire in one day

I'm an addict and I have gift card credit.

Whispery Confession

I gave up on Pride and Prejudice. I just couldn't get into it. I tried though. Mr. Darcy, Bennett this Lydia Elizabeth blah, blah, blah. And then I fell asleep.

So I just bought Catching Fire. And then I'll probably devour Mockingjay. And then I really want to read Matched by Ally Condie.

I'm on a Young Adult Dystopian kick, I suppose.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I'm impatient and rather than err on the side of cautious optimism and hope I'm more likely to panic and start yelling that the sky is falling.

I am Chicken Little.

At the beginning of this month I got an email detailing the payment plan for my first student loan. A loan I was expected to begin paying this month. I freaked out. Because this was unexpected, most loans give you 6 months to find a job. I had forgotten that a few years ago this was a loan I'd payed on for a year and that I'd lost my grace period. (A long story.) I broke down regretting my previous decision to enjoy Christmas after I'd graduated, and then the New Year, rather than immediately start applying for work.

But I trudged forward. On that day, the day I received the loan notice, I put in 6 applications. Four more the following day. Two on a Saturday. This has continued. I applied until my face turned blue and then I applied some more.

And I worried.

My parents covered for 2 of the bills I pay near the first of the month. I had money in my bank account along with some Christmas funds that I used to send in the first student loan payment.

That bought me a day of rest, maybe two.

But despair set in and I began to apply for jobs I didn't want in an industry I don't care to ever be employed in again: retail.

And as this things usually go I got a call for an interview for a cashier position. I went on Friday and gulped through my answer for what I really wanted to do with my life when the HR person asked. I stressed throughout the weekend while weighing the pros and cons of taking such a job.

By Sunday I'd decided not to. But I struggled with my decision. Who am I, with no money in the bank and multitude of bills due, to turn down money?

My mother assured me that god would provide. A concept I sometimes struggle with.

Monday morning the call came in to interview for a position in Shelbyville with a company you'd all be familiar with that helps needy families. And then this morning an email arrived for a interview for a position with the state in my home county that involves child support and public assistance.

Two positions in rural communities helping people.

Amazing.

Patience is a virtue I need to have more faith in.

Book #2

It took me a few days to get going but once I did I yet again blazed through The Hunger Games. I wanted to get a good reread in so I'd be ready to read books 2 and 3. I'm a bit nervous about getting to the third one since the reviews all seem mixed about how the series ends. Reading through this time knowing they're making it into a movie made me visualize certain actors for certain characters. If Robert Downey Jr. doesn't play Haymitch I might be disappointed.

Next, the logical choice would be the next installment of this trilogy. But I'm tempted to take a break in between and read Pride and Prejudice for the first time in my life. I know, right? How have I never read Pride and Prejudice? If I do so now then I can reward myself with one of the movie versions. I'm thinking the 1995 miniseries because who doesn't need a little more Colin Firth in their life?

November 15, 2010

I sat in the hallway of Whitehall Classroom Building drinking a warm beverage and soaking up the lingering fall foliage while wishing Winter would hold off for just a minute more. Just seeing this picture and remembering that moment makes me wish I could be there again. Warm and safe. Everything feels too raw right now as I claw and sob my way out of this hole and try to make something out of myself. I want it to be November 15th again when I didn't feel this vulnerable.

My New Guilty Pleasure

So I resisted watching Toddler's and Tiaras for a long time. Not because I'm some sort of high class tv snob. I mean c'mon... I can name every Bravo Housewife from OC onward, former and current. I just didn't really see how I could entertained by a show about beauty pageants.

Oh my god, y'all.

I was wrong. So very, very, very wrong.

Meet Makenzie, who so far is my very favorite Toddler in a Tiara ever.



What's not to love?

She's got the voice of a 60 year old smoker from the south and she's obsessed with her ni-ni... AT FOUR YEARS OLD. And she's the spawn of Satan, I'm pretty sure.

And her mom has the best facial expressions EVER. Maybe because she knows what we all suspect: that she made some horrific deal with the devil. I don't know. But I like it.

From an episode recap which explains part of the above video, "While Mackenzie goes bat-shit crazy tearing up the house looking for her goddamn pacifier while tragic Amadeus music plays, Juana voices over that Mackenzie needs her Ni-Ni when she’s tired or when she doesn’t like to cooperate…so basically 24/7."

I dream of someday running into Makenzie. I just need to know that such an illustrious creature really does exist and that TLC isn't pulling my leg.

Anti-Luddite

I could certainly live without them but life with my iPhone and Kindle is just sweeter.



My current favorite apps:

• Boggle
• Angry Birds
• Words with Friends
• Instagram
• Hipstamatic
• Pandora
• Netflix
• My Fitness Pal

And then for the kindle, the blog Pixel of Ink so I can keep up with free and bargain kindle books.

Book #1

My goal this year is to read more. You'd think with the unemployment and my kindle that I'd be blazing through novels, but as I mentioned: I've felt guilty reading. I started this World War Z on Christmas day and finished it this weekend. Since The Walking Dead aired on AMC I've been a little zombie obsessed. This book is going to be a movie with Brad Pitt so I'll be looking forward to that. If you don't enjoy zombies you probably won't like it. If you do, or at least enjoy apocalyptic literature, this will be an interesting read.



Next up: a reread of The Hunger Games. Which totally counts for this year's total because I read it too fast the first time I checked it out from the library and I'm pretty sure I skipped details. Also because I still haven't read the two books that follow it.

Relics

I'm pretty sure all of my senior year memories are on these rolls of film.

Stress Blogging

# of jobs applied to so far
7 (or 8, I lost count on Friday or Saturday) last week
1 yesterday
2 today

careers/options I've considered

• teaching
• state job (climbing the ladder at some state entity)
• college advising (not admissions at some for profit school, I mean legit ADVISING)
• new media in some way (WAVE was hiring in November but I can't tell if the job is still open, I'm still mailing my resume)
• administration/hr at a hospital or company
• going back to school to be a librarian

nights I stayed awake for hours worrying
too many

nights I slept well after remembering a benadryl or 2 before bed does a body good
1, tonight will be two

stress baking I've done

• peanut butter cookies
• chicken pot pie (from scratch that I can officially now make with my eyes closed)

books I've read on my Kindle since receiving it
ONE, terrible isn't it? Doing something for fun while unemployed and not in school makes me feel guilty.

I Love Social Media

I can't lie: this is kinda cool.

I want to work in social media.

Real Estate Blogging

I'm up to my neck in job searching and soul searching and dreaming. Which means while I watched HGTV (my very favorite network after OWN) tonight I did a little real estate searching.

I. WANT. THIS. HOUSE.

It's only 2 bedrooms and one bath which is exactly what I want for just me. And it's older. And only $93,500.









I can't wait for this next stage of my life to really take off and get going.

The Fear

I had a mini-breakdown with my mom tonight, finally releasing all sorts of emotions that I've been bottling inside for the last few months. I confessed a lot of my problems and realized that every single of them comes down to fear. I'm petrified right now in so many ways.

• I fear defaulting on my student loans.
• I fear never being able to move out and make it on my own.
• I fear I won't be able to find a job.
• I fear finding a job and hating it.
• I fear I'll never figure out exactly what it is I'm supposed to be doing.
• I fear I'll get stuck doing something that has no meaning whatsoever. (just a job, not a career that gives me something in return besides money)

If you're the praying sort and you're reading this could you pray that I somehow find a way to stop being so scared?

The Enchilada Experiment

God said let there be enchiladas, and there were.



And there was also a giant mess.







The enchiladas were kind of meh to be honest. I'm trying to branch out in the food department lately because I'm tired of the same ol' dishes. But Mexican food still eludes me. It might be my expectations. I always want what I order from my favorite restaurant and not what I've just cooked up.

5 Bucket List Items for 2010

1. Spend this year discovering who I am outside of the confines of school. Figure out what I want to do with my life. Work on finding a career that satisfies me.

2. Take at least two trips with my family: one to the mountains, and one to the beach.

3. Let go of toxic friends (a few people I know who have no access to read this so don't worry it's you), and work on the friendships I do have. If people don't like me, that's fine. My goal in 2010 is to cry less about non-existent friends (and facebook! I cried about FB last year... how silly) and work on instead cherishing the bonds I do have with the people I love. This friend thing is so hard for an introvert like me, but this is the year I want to cultivate lasting and healthy friendships.

4. Read more. I've been out of the literary loop for what seems like forever. I won't put a number on it, but I'd like to read a substantial amount of books in 2011 and maybe even blog now and then about them.

5A. Make a budget and start saving to travel, replace my computer, buy a new camera lens, and give more. I've been too busted and broke over the last few months especially to do anything. CHANGE that. 5B. Find someone to travel with.

I resolute to not make resolutions

I just need to document that I eat sweet potatoes now. Tonight I actually craved them. I made a quick dinner by picking up a rotisserie chicken, steaming broccoli (mine's in a separate bowl because I love steamed broccoli with vinegar... no really), fixing some saffron rice and making mashed sweet potatoes. This is such progress for me, just a few months ago I couldn't finish three bites of them. I also went all day without having a coke. It still upsets me that a few months ago at the height of family drama I started with the cokes again. It's amazing how much I depend on the hourly jolts of caffeine to get through my day. I had to make a cup of coffee around 3:00.

This all said. I'm not on a diet*. And this isn't a resolution.

*Definitely not a diet because do you see that portion of rice? Mama was hungry.