A Worry a Day

Last night my Dad clutched his chest while laying on the couch with a sick stomach and an aching jaw for a good half hour. We waited and stressed until he decided it was probably nothing more than an Angina Attack, which he has long been prone to. But that doesn't mean those 30 minutes prior didn't manage to shave another 5 years off of my life.


That's what I deal with. Quite often. The first few times it happened it really freaked me out. Now we have it down to a science. I ask him if he needs to go to the hospital. Jon asks him if he'd like him to wake up Mom. I get him a huge glass of ice water while Jon gets her up. She takes his blood pressure, which has usually sky rocketed from the stress and worry of it all (130/100 last night). He pops a blood pressure pill, a few nitro and waits.

While he's suffered from Angina for quite some time, it became more frequent after his last heart cath because he has an artery that is going to have to stay 70% blocked because of the blockage's location. From what I hear, Angina is really a symptom of Coronary Artery Disease.

So while there is nothing he can do and his cardiologist maintains he's got a decently healthy heart right now, it still manages to scare me. Just in a calmer way I suppose. Last night's attack lasted longer than usual and I was fairly worried this one wasn't angina and we'd end up in the ER.

That dread is something I've come to live with everyday. Unlike someone who has just lost a parent, I face everyday with the fear it's the one and the uncertainty of not knowing. I've been to that brink, been pulled back, and now sometimes have trouble dealing with the reality that he is here, okay, and isn't leaving me yet.

This is where I admit I should probably be on some drugs for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Or something.

Nevertheless, life goes on. Last night was scary. And today is a new day. (Albeit a cold one...dammit.) I wish I could say the birds were chirping and I had a new lease on life. But I don't. I sit and wait for the next time. Hoping it's all okay. And trying to maintain my chipperness that June awaits us and I'll get to sit on the beach with my Dad and laugh as he tells some stupid joke.

I'm really looking foward to it.