It is rare for me to wake up in the morning and actually remember a dream from the night before. This morning it happened. I dreamt last night that I was engaged, or at least fully committed to someone. All I remember was that I'd never known him before, he was strong, tall, with a sharp jawline, and probably a bit more country than I would have expected. (Probably from a conversation I had yesterday about George Strait being a beautiful man for his age! ;) )
At any rate I woke up this morning with a feeling of sadness over that short little dream about a mysterious figure in my life.
It reminded me, that for all of my outward happiness, for all of my confidence that I try to project, it is still very hard for me to go through life with this empty feeling. This sort of sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm going to have to forge through my entire life on this Earth...alone.
I know, at this point you are all thinking to yourselves, "No, you'll find someone."
So, I'll point out that most of my known readers are in committed relationships. And so it must be easy for you to all have the faith that someone is out there for all of us. After all, you managed to find it.
But let me preface this by saying, I don't have the same faith. Because in all of my life, for all of the times I've felt that soul shaking desire to have someone love me back....they never have.
I suppose I'm just feeling a little bit vulnerable today. And uneasy perhaps. Because I go through my day to day life, not thinking usually about what I don't have, and focusing instead on all of the good. But on a day like today when I'm reminded of how utterly alone in this world I am, I need just a little while to wallow in my own self pity.
And then I'll dust off my boots, shake off my system and forge ahead. Alone. But with confidence again. I just need some time to remind myself that I'm okay.
2 comments:
i probably should have read this before i wrote my novella on your last post!
i've heard "you'll find someone" too and it's pretty much the most annoying thing anyone can tell you, because like you say it always comes from someone who HAS found someone.
for the record i am one of your readers that is not in a committed relationship!
i thought i found "the one" but of course it was with a person that i could never have any semblance of an actual future with (based on family/religion/culture/etc) so i'm definitely feeling you on the whole "am i ever going to find IT" thing.
for the record i think you are fantastically witty and cute and smart and any guy would be dumb to not see that. however it seems the majority of guys our age ARE kind of dumb. so. yeah.
Shh, you're making me cry.
Okay, maybe it's the grasshoppers. But I'm touched nevertheless! ;)
Thank you. And as for the family/religion/culture thing, I can only imagine how tough that must have been. But I hope you find your IT.
And omg, we're are totally going to have to burn our bras together now or something like that. HAHA!
Post a Comment